Jump

“Mom, I jumped off a very high bridge today!” said her son proudly. Her first reaction was “WHAT!? Are you out of your mind? This is so irresponsible and thoughtless of you!”. It was as if her son felt a cold shower. He didn’t understand and got angry. It was surely very cool to jump from the 5 meter high pontoon at the harbor. Out of his group of friends hardly anyone dared to do that! How could his mother not see this!

And while she continued to fulminate about peer pressure and hospital visits, the shutters closed on her son. He no longer heard her and had emotionally left the room. He had disconnected and was on another wavelength.

As a mother I understand her reaction, prompted by the fear that something bad would happen to her son if he, perhaps out of a need for prove himself and sensitive to peer pressure, kept pushing his limits. Her goal was to give him insight into his motivations and group dynamics. But now that had failed miserably.

“Meet them where they are” is a phrase I repeat to myself when I see that my interlocutor has left. With this I know that I have to do something else to get an opening in our communication again. This adolescent wanted to show his mother how tough he was. What he could already do. And sought her approval and admiration.

Just like we clap our hands and encourage when a baby successfully takes his first steps. And challenge him to get up and continue when he has fallen. Only we don’t do that with adolescents because “they should know better” or “they are already old and wise enough.”

Her fear caused her words to have a great emotional charge. Which she expressed by strongly disapproving of her son’s action. If instead she could have expressed what feeling his action evoked in her, his reaction would probably have been less defensive. And the shutters would still have been ajar. She could have said “wow 5 meters is really very high. I find that this scares me quite a bit. I’m afraid you’ll get hurt.”

By not rejecting her son’s action immediately his need to re-act in the same manner will be less prominent. Like with batteries two negative poles reject each other. By taking off the charge there will be room again for the necessary dialogue about responsibility and consequences.